From a very young age, I can remember feeling like I wasn’t good enough and didn’t belong. Constantly trying to seek attention and validation through people, places and things. Seeking fulfillment and happiness through relationships, careers, people pleasing, perfectionism, and more. As a result I experienced broken relationships, suicide attempts and alcoholism.
Desperate to escape the pain and suffering, I constantly pursued answers through self-help books, courses, counselling and a multitude of therapies. Although many of these efforts helped, I still felt lost and empty. Each day I relentlessly chased the illusion of happiness then self-medicated with alcohol to numb out the pain. Totally exhausting all avenues, I finally hit rock bottom over 9 years ago which resulted in rehabilitation.
PURSUING HAPPINESS IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES
For some reason, I thought that once I put the drink down, all my problems would be solved and that elusive peace and happiness would come flooding in. Well, I was in for a shock. As the fog started to lift, I was totally consumed in shame. Not having the emotional maturity to cope, I defaulted to my standard way of surviving by relentlessly pursuing happiness through external sources. I continued to run away. It was far more painful now as I could no longer reach for my medication – alcohol.
In desperation to find answers, I undertook therapy sessions, counselling and sourced specialist online courses. With awareness and some tools, I assumed that everything would be ok and I would finally reach that peace & happiness. Although there was definitely an improvement, I continued to struggle in many areas of my life and in particular experienced ongoing problems in a new and positive romantic relationship. I tried everything in my power to overcome these problems looking in, what turned out to be, all the wrong places through busyness, activities and work. I was continuing to run and hide.
